LIVING WITH AN ABUSIVE/VIOLENT PARTNER

Living with a verbally, emotionally or physically abusive partner can be the most painful and most difficult thing to happen to any human being such that if not carefully managed can result to a total destruction of the abused. Abusers create a completely uncomfortable and unfair ground just so they can be in control. Some tactics abusive partners use are dominance, humiliation, isolation, threats, intimidation, denial, blame etc. According to a research I did in February 2013, about 4 of every 10 Nigerian woman have experienced this type of abuse by their partners and 1 of every 10 Nigerian man likewise. While there is nothing you can do to stop your partner from abusing you and getting violent and while you are still in the relationship and haven’t decided if you can live with it for the rest of your life or not, the following tips can help you manage your abusive/violent partner.

SELF CARE AND MAINTENANCE

Living in an emotionally abusive relationship can take its toll on your health and general well-being. Take care of yourself by eating right; depression can cause increased appetite as you may find food as the next available friend and tend to indulge in it. Try to eat healthy foods and take enough rest. Exercise as often as you can. Taking long walks while listening to music is an amazing way of exercising if you find yourself in such relationship. Ensure you look good at all times and your personal hygiene is NOT ignored. Try to indulge in a hobby or interest you enjoy and this will help you escape for a while.

BUILD A STRONG SUPPORT TEAM

Try to maintain good relationships with family, friends and colleagues as much as you can, they make up “A Support Team”. Your partner may try to limit the amount of time you spend with them once he/she realizes you have a smooth relationship with them to further frustrate you. Tell them what is going on so they will understand if they don’t hear from you or if you display some unpleasant attitude in your down time. Always remember that no matter how dark and ugly it gets at home, you really need a friend to talk to so don’t lose all of them.

LEARN ABOUT THE DYNAMICS OF ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS

Knowing more about the pattern of abuse will help you understand that the abuse is not your fault but rather something your partner chooses to do. This is really important because most abused victims end up hatting so much on themselves, and self-destruction is the worst thing that can happen to any living being. 90% of suicide cases reported within the last 10 years have been as a result of self-hate. You may choose to speak with a domestic violence advocate in your community of which very fortunately I am one of them or maybe your spiritual adviser.

SET SOME BOUNDARIES WITH YOUR PARTNER

When your partner starts a verbal tirade, do not engage or try to match with his/her abuse. There is every tendency to want to match up just so you can also make your own point, but before you do this, take a wee break and remind yourself who you are and were before you married your partner. You have to strongly fight against allowing him/her to make a negative influence on your dear life. Every human have some moment of sanity no matter how abusive they may act to be, identify your partners and make a positive use of it. At such moments try letting him/her know you are sorry for making him/her feel the way he or she does, but that you expect him/her to treat you with respect. If you keep doing this and it still doesn’t work, then at this point the decision is entirely personal.

PREPARE A SAFETY PLAN

It is very important to develop a practical, personalized plan to stay safe when in an abusive relationship. Even if your partner has never been physically violent, verbal and emotional abuse can quickly escalate to physical abuse. You must identify some safe areas in your home and plan an escape route. You should also keep a phone with you at all times and have 1 or 2 people you can always call. Also ensure these people are well aware you’re having a violent relationship. You may also need to create a code word or signal so trusted friends and neighbors know if you need emergency assistance.

Good luck as you put these to practice and remember the decision to leave or stay is entirely YOURS!