PARENTING A CHILD WHO IS SEXUALLY ABUSED – PART 1 (EDUCATING YOURSELF)

I want to first of all, start by defining “child abuse” as a physical maltreatment or sexual molestation of a child. In Nigeria and other parts of Africa as well as the world at large, child sexual abuse has been on the increase.

According to The National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSC) child sexual abuse is defined as “…any interaction between a child and an adult (or another child) in which the child is used for the sexual stimulation of the perpetrator or an observer. Sexual abuse can include both touching and non-touching behaviors. Touching behaviors may involve touching of the vagina, penis, breasts or buttocks, oral-genital contact, or sexual intercourse. Non-touching behaviors can include voyeurism (trying to look at a child’s naked body), exhibitionism, or exposing the child to pornography. Abusers often do not use physical force but may use play, deception, threats, or other forms of coercion to engage children and maintain their silence. Abusers frequently employ persuasive and manipulative tactics to keep the child engaged. These tactics—referred to as ‘grooming’—may include buying gifts or arranging special activities, which can further confuse the victim.”

As a parent; either biological or adoptive parent (and this includes parenting a domestic staff) the first and most important thing to do is to learn about child abuse and get yourself well equipped with very vital information on this. Remember that every child in your custody is your child, biological or not and so the best thing to do to safe him/her when you find out he/she has been “misbehaving” is not to send him/her away, but to help! And so, it is important to first of all learn about;

SIGNS OF SEXUAL ABUSE

If you are parenting a child who has been taken away from his/her family, it may be difficult to tell if the child has been sexually abused or not as there may be no prior record of abuse and many children do not disclose past abuse until they feel safe to do so. This can only happen if you know how to go about it. The following are signs that you may be living with a sexually abused child;

-         Sudden or extreme mood swings: withdrawal, fear, anger, rage or excessive crying.

-         Keeping a distance or always appearing to be in a trance

-         Loss of appetite or difficulty in eating and most times forgetting to even swallow the food in his/her mouth.

-         Unexplained avoidance of certain places or people and even activities.

-         Accidentally cutting, burning or other self-mutilating behaviors.

-         Behaving younger than his/her actual age; bed wetting, finger sucking, shyness, etc.

-         Suddenly having money or other expensive possessions.

These are red flags designed to alert you to the fact that your child may be under some underlying dangers. In my next edition, I shall be sharing some very “useful tips on how to help a sexually abused child”

             LIVING WITH AN UNFORGIVING HEART

Going through bad relationships is part of life and part of our growth. Yet, the hurt that remains seem to create a hole in our hearts and affect our trust and faith in finding true and lasting relationships.

Most times we spend the rest of our lives living a life of unforgiveness. While still holding unto this, let us remember that forgiveness is a powerful and affirmative part of our humanity. For many, the healing power of forgiveness allows us to truly move on. It's a topic that is relevant to your life, whether you are religious or not, Jewish or not, guilty or not. A life lived without forgiveness is a life of real pain.

Learning to forgive hurts and heartbreaks is essential to living a long and healthy life. The topic is timely, because, today, there is a lot of hurt in the world. People are out of work. Families are struggling to keep everything going, and many of our politicians and institutions seem to have let us down. There is anger everywhere. We have all been hurt, disappointed and betrayed in one way or the other. Everyone has something that they can be forgiven for and that they must forgive.

Now the big question is; DO YOU SERIOUSLY WANT TO LIVE WITH AN UNFORGIVING HEART? Just before you answer, let me share with you what happens when you decide not to forgive.

-      An unforgiving spirit poisons your heart with bitterness and leaves you a very SAD person.

-      Without forgiveness/reconciliation, sour relationships will continue until death and there you will be standing before your creator with a bag full SIN.

-      Although you may claim to be right, but unfortunately you are causing further wrong to be done because of your unforgiving heart. And sadly, such heart can never bring proper revenge.

-      All the joys in life meant to be yours is dashed in some ashes of bitterness.

-      Diseases follow this heart of bitterness because our bodies cannot handle an unforgiving heart.

        Great emotional pain and misery is associated with those who live bitter lives. This is partly due to no good friends. Because no good and faithful friend can tolerate the bitter comments which are very likely to come from you.

-      And alas! You build up a very scary future as GOD WILL NOT FORGIVE THOSE WHO DO NOT FORGIVE OTHERS!!!

So why don’t you set your beautiful soul free by;

    Identifying those offenses that need forgiveness.

      Acknowledge the hurt and pain.

     Pass the burden of revenge unto God.

     Make an apology and seek forgiveness even with your own heart.

    Ask God to comfort you

    Make restitution when possible.

   And finally, learn to show thankfulness to God and others.

Good luck and welcome to the brand new YOU!

IME BISHOP (OKON)’S AUGUST BOOT~CAMP

Ime Bishop (Okon Lagos) in partnership with Management Advisory Consulting (MAC) is organizing an acting boot camp for aspiring young actors and actresses in Nigeria.

Venue:    FCT - Abuja

Date:      11 - 20 August 2015

Participation fee: N20,000

                                         BENEFITS

* Feature in a movie that will be shot at the end of the camp

* Learn about acting and interpretation of scripts

* Get a modelling contract 

* Best five candidates will sign up a contract with a production company

To apply, do the following:

* Fill an application form on www.imebishop.com/form

* Reserve a space by paying the participation fee to Management * Advisory Consulting (MAC), the company managing this project for Ime Bishop

All payments will be made in Naira into:

Bank: Guaranty Trust Bank

Account Name: Management Advisory Consulting Limited

Account Number: 0153953986

Confirm your payment on www.imebishop.com/confirm

Make preparations to attend the boot camp on 11th August 2015

We wish you a successful acting career.

See more at: http://www.imebishop.com/okons-boot-camp

HOW TO IDENTIFY “RED FLAGS” IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP (PART 2)

SIGNIFICANT FAMILY AND FRIENDS DON’T LIKE YOUR PARTNER

 If there is something “off" about this person that seems obvious to those who know you so well, you may need to listen to what they’re telling you. Often, in the heat of a new relationship, hearing criticism about your new “beloved” may not be welcome, but others may see things more clearly from an outsider’s perspective. At the very least, hear these people out. You don’t have to call off the relationship as soon as you hear these things, but it is a pointer that you need to pause and look closely.

 Similarly, a partner may attempt to “divide and conquer,” driving a wedge between you and other significant people in your life. They may be jealous of your ongoing relationships with these people or simply feel the need to control where you go and who you associate with, limiting your world to allow in only what is important to them. Sometimes, they may make you choose them over significant others as an expression of "love."

FEELING INSECURE IN THE RELATIONSHIP: You may often feel that you don’t know where you stand in a relationship. Rather than moving forward, building on shared experiences that should be strengthening your connection, you feel uncomfortable, uncertain, or anxious about where it is heading. You may seek reassurances from your partner, but somehow these are only momentary and fleeting. As a result, you may be working double duty to keep the relationship on track while your partner contributes little. If you find yourself doing this, then you are most definitely NOT on the right track.

NON RESOLUTION OF PAST RELATIONSHIPS: These include not just intimate relationships but those with family members and friends. If a person is unable to evaluate why past relationships haven’t worked out, or consistently blames the other party for all of the problems, you can bet with a great deal of confidence that the same thing could happen with your relationship.

The relationship is built on the need to feel needed. Often we enter into a relationship strongly identified with our needs. The need may be that you, my partner, must do certain things for me to make me feel secure and satisfied, or that you allow me, your partner, to feel needed by fulfilling your needs. If this dynamic is the focal point of a relationship, however, there may be little room for real growth, individually or as a couple.

ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR: Finally, and of course, any form of abuse, from the seemingly mild to the overtly obvious—verbal, emotional, psychological, and certainly physical—is not just a red flag but a huge banner telling you to get out immediately and never look back.

A red flag is a good intuitive image to help you process what you’re really feeling.

Learn to trust what you feel. Your “inner you” is probably right.

HOW TO IDENTIFY “RED FLAGS” IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP (PART 1)

It is very essential to get to know yourself in every possible way before you move into a committed relationship. Often, individuals go in search of a relationship without this essential knowledge. But how can you ever hope to know another individual if you don’t know yourself first? How can you address another’s needs and desires if you're disconnected from your own? As obvious as these issues may appear, and as much as you may feel you understand them intellectually, it should come as no surprise that what initially seems unimportant may take on greater significance as insights occur over the course of the relationship. In retrospect, individuals are often baffled about their own behavior and expectations in a relationship.

Learn to ask the hard questions out of the gate, the first or second time you meet someone, before opinions are solidly formed. Most of us seem to do much better when we have no real expectations of someone, because we hardly know who they are and are not yet trying to impress them. So watch for red flags—(indicators that something needs to be questioned or otherwise validated). Often these are clues that something may be trouble in the future. Here are 10 key relational red flags to look out for:

1.    

LACK OF COMMUNICATION: Once you find out that your intending partner finds it difficult to talk about issues or express how he/she feels, then, there is need to pause and think. Often when it would seem most important to be open and honest, you find he/she distancing his/herself emotionally leaving you hanging or having to deal with a situation solely one your own. Anyone who loves you and is ready to be committed to the relationship, even if he/she be an introvert will try to be as open and vocal as possible for the sake of the relationship. So should you find that this is not happening, then, you may need to have a re-think!

2.     IRRESPONSIBLE, IMMATURE AND UNPREDICTABLE: There are people who have trouble mastering basic life skills like taking care of themselves, managing their finances and personal space, holding unto a job, and making plans for their lives and future. Usually when small crises surrounding the way they live their daily lives surfaces, they seem to take so much energy from them and a lot of time to eventually settle in may be a lot of trouble. this way, there may be very little time and energy left for you and your issues. These people are still working on growing up so it may be hard to depend on them for anything least of all “Emotional Tasks”. Plan on taking a walk once you notice this.

3.     LACK OF TRUST: When a person has problems being honest with himself or herself, then it will definitely be hard for them to be honest with you. Some of these behaviors may not be planned, calculated or malicious but simply a learned way or habit of coping. Once you find out that your intending couple finds it hard to hold himself or herself accountable for his/her actions then be rest assured that he/she definitely lacks integrity

And respect for you. You may feel (and rightly so) that there are a lot of “missing pieces”, so much that you don’t know or that is purposely hidden from you.

More points will be shared in the second part of this post so keep a date with me until I come your way next time…………..

LIVING WITH AN ABUSIVE/VIOLENT PARTNER

Living with a verbally, emotionally or physically abusive partner can be the most painful and most difficult thing to happen to any human being such that if not carefully managed can result to a total destruction of the abused. Abusers create a completely uncomfortable and unfair ground just so they can be in control. Some tactics abusive partners use are dominance, humiliation, isolation, threats, intimidation, denial, blame etc. According to a research I did in February 2013, about 4 of every 10 Nigerian woman have experienced this type of abuse by their partners and 1 of every 10 Nigerian man likewise. While there is nothing you can do to stop your partner from abusing you and getting violent and while you are still in the relationship and haven’t decided if you can live with it for the rest of your life or not, the following tips can help you manage your abusive/violent partner.

SELF CARE AND MAINTENANCE

Living in an emotionally abusive relationship can take its toll on your health and general well-being. Take care of yourself by eating right; depression can cause increased appetite as you may find food as the next available friend and tend to indulge in it. Try to eat healthy foods and take enough rest. Exercise as often as you can. Taking long walks while listening to music is an amazing way of exercising if you find yourself in such relationship. Ensure you look good at all times and your personal hygiene is NOT ignored. Try to indulge in a hobby or interest you enjoy and this will help you escape for a while.

BUILD A STRONG SUPPORT TEAM

Try to maintain good relationships with family, friends and colleagues as much as you can, they make up “A Support Team”. Your partner may try to limit the amount of time you spend with them once he/she realizes you have a smooth relationship with them to further frustrate you. Tell them what is going on so they will understand if they don’t hear from you or if you display some unpleasant attitude in your down time. Always remember that no matter how dark and ugly it gets at home, you really need a friend to talk to so don’t lose all of them.

LEARN ABOUT THE DYNAMICS OF ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS

Knowing more about the pattern of abuse will help you understand that the abuse is not your fault but rather something your partner chooses to do. This is really important because most abused victims end up hatting so much on themselves, and self-destruction is the worst thing that can happen to any living being. 90% of suicide cases reported within the last 10 years have been as a result of self-hate. You may choose to speak with a domestic violence advocate in your community of which very fortunately I am one of them or maybe your spiritual adviser.

SET SOME BOUNDARIES WITH YOUR PARTNER

When your partner starts a verbal tirade, do not engage or try to match with his/her abuse. There is every tendency to want to match up just so you can also make your own point, but before you do this, take a wee break and remind yourself who you are and were before you married your partner. You have to strongly fight against allowing him/her to make a negative influence on your dear life. Every human have some moment of sanity no matter how abusive they may act to be, identify your partners and make a positive use of it. At such moments try letting him/her know you are sorry for making him/her feel the way he or she does, but that you expect him/her to treat you with respect. If you keep doing this and it still doesn’t work, then at this point the decision is entirely personal.

PREPARE A SAFETY PLAN

It is very important to develop a practical, personalized plan to stay safe when in an abusive relationship. Even if your partner has never been physically violent, verbal and emotional abuse can quickly escalate to physical abuse. You must identify some safe areas in your home and plan an escape route. You should also keep a phone with you at all times and have 1 or 2 people you can always call. Also ensure these people are well aware you’re having a violent relationship. You may also need to create a code word or signal so trusted friends and neighbors know if you need emergency assistance.

Good luck as you put these to practice and remember the decision to leave or stay is entirely YOURS!   

COMMUNICATION: A VERY NECESSARY INGREDIENT FOR A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP

COMMUNICATION: A VERY NECESSARY INGREDIENT FOR A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP

More than 90% of cases I have handled among couples have been as a result of “lack of communication”. Unfortunately most couples do not realize this until pretty late when the damage must have been very severe and the situation gets out of hand.

Communication is very important at every level of relationship and once a couple is able to work on their communication skills, then they are on their way to having a very healthy and long lasting relationship. I’m going to share a few tips on how learning effective communication tips can improve the vitality of your relationships.

I’ll love to quickly define the word “communication” before I share the tips.                    

“Communication is defined as the transfer of information from one person to another. There are many ways of communicating with people around us such as speaking personally, using signs languages, telephone conversation, letters etc.

1.      GOOD COMMUNICATION STRENGTHENS THE LEVEL OF TRUST, HONESTY AND  RESPECT

Learning to communicate effectively with your partner will strengthen the trust, honesty and respect you have for each other and for the relationship.

Being honest with your partner about your weaknesses is a sign of effectively communicating with them as you’re saying “this is who I truly am” and it in turn builds trust. This is extremely important because it acts as the judge jury who has the final say on whether the relationship lives or dies.

Please note that being able to communicate effectively is very likely to stop needless arguments which occur regularly in relationships.

   

2.      CHECKS CHAINS OF PROBLEMS

When communication is not effective in your relationship, you find yourselves in chains of problems. This may be as a result of unshared challenges, wrong impression of each other, wrong interpretation of your actions or burdens you just refuse to share.  By buckling any of these up, you may just be contributing to the death of your most cherished relationship. So talk about that thing you feel is not right about your partner and share how you feel, then sit back and watch the pair of you enjoy your relationship.

3.      DICTATES MORALE IN A RELATIONSHIP

Being able to effectively communicate in a relationship is the perfect way to show your partner how happy you are within it. Being tight-lipped in a relationship will only hurt your partner and your relationship in the long run. Be as expressive as you can and you will be amazed at the results you’re very likely to get.

4.      SUPPORTING YOUR PARTNER

When you start dating someone, the initial stage is physical attraction, then comes infatuation, then concern and later a sense of responsibility towards each other. In order to reach this stage of responsibility in a relationship, you need to build a strong bond of trust which will enable you support each other. Talk openly with your partner and create space where he/she can share his feelings with you.

This is because the more openly you speak to each other, the closer you become. And this will most definitely make it easier to share both good and bad things in your lives.

It is very essential that your partner feels safe and assured when you are in a relationship, because both of you sort of depend on each other and this can only happen when communication is healthy.

5.      LOVE AND CARE

This is the most important aspect of a relationship so another reason why communication is important in a relationship is because it is a means to earn each other’s love and respect. When in a relationship, it is natural to expect some things from your partner and often the things you would naturally expect are love and care. With an effective communication skill, you can make yourself clear about what you want from the relationship. Once both of you know what the other expects from the relationship, then maintaining it is no longer difficult.

Fights and arguments are also a form of communication (so do not shy away from these) and they could most definitely bring out the negative in both of you. This form of communication too in a way proves useful, as you realize what is wrong and can then try to make it right. Without communication, there is no clarity of what is going wrong and where, and consequently there isn’t much that can be done to better the relationship.  And this way, it is very easy to identify the red flag in a relationship.

Now you know the importance of communication in a relationship. And by now you must have realized if something is wrong in yours. So go on! Speak up! Talk it out! Express! Discuss! Communicate and make your relationship happier and healthier!!!

TIPS ON HOW TO COPE AS A SINGLE PARENT
Most people did not plan to become single parents. 87% of single parents confessed to this. Single parenthood can be a tightrop walk - a balance between the workplace, domestic life and the needs of children prone to act out when there is no dad or mom at home. This status if not carefully managed can destroy one emotionally, socially, psychologically and otherwise.
The good news is that there are a few tips to help you manage your child/children and organise your home. These tips will help you "take back control". This is really important because every single parent overwhelmed with kids' behavior need to get organised and assert their role as the head of the household. Let's get started with the tips;

1. CONNECT WITH YOUR CHILD/CHILDREN
It is very important that you share sometime with your child/children to connect more with them. This will help you build a strong family routine and stick to it. Allocate time for chores and time to spend as a family. One of the best moments to spend together is "the meal time".................. I call this the US TIME. According to COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY'S NATIONAL CENTER ON ADDICTION AND SUBSTANCE ABUSE, children of families that eat together as less likely to exhibit behavioral problems, including experimentation with drugs and alcohol. The same children are less likely to exhibit symptoms of depression, and more likely to excel academically.
Do not ever forget that times spent together are where behaviors are shaped and reinforced.

2. ESTABLISH GROUND RULES
Now you need to stay in control. Raising children by yourself means you do not have anyone there to back you up if they wont play nicely. Keep them co-operating by making expectations clear when it comes to behavior. Ensure that you establish a clear set of house rules and agree together as a family on consequences for not sticking to these rules. When you get your child/children involved in setting rules and regulations they share in the responsibility of keeping and will often be the ones to remind you when the rules are broken even by them.

3. LEARN TO PRAISE
Behavior is often a search for approval in disguise. Find opportunities everyday to praise good behaviors. I call this a wonder recipe. It boosts your child/children confidence and help in mental development.

4. HIDE YOUR DOWN TIME
Every single parent has what I call A DOWN TIME. Now this is a time your emotion takes a toll on you and such moments are very dangerous moments to spend with the children. I often advise that if you notice you 're slipping into your down time, try as much as you can to snap out of it as fast as you can but if this is not happening, then please try to keep your child/children out of sight else you may be tempted to transfer the aggression on them and this is very dangerous as it is very likely to destroy your child/children's emotions. When I was teaching, it was very easy to pick out children from such homes because the parents couldn't manage their down times independent of them.

5. PLAY A REPORTER
Interview your child/children and let them interview you. This will help you understand their needs, wants and personal goal.

6. PRACTICE ACTIVE LISTENING
Your child/children will open up to you when you try to understand their words. This will help you validate their feelings. Remember that in a child's world, big things may be small and small things big. By understanding his/her feelings, a parent can guide a child toward an understanding of complex situations.

7. BUILD A NETWORK
You need to understand that you are not the only single parent and also that God does not love you less. Build a community of friends, co-workers, support groups and other single parents. Loneliness is one of the greatest challenges of a single parent but this can be handled with healthy activities with these group of people I just mentioned. Take very good care of yourself, ask for help and do not shy away when it is offered.

Finally, be honest with your children about the changes in your life, recognise and accept the fact that you can not be both parents, share the job of parenting with other parents around you and remember that there is no such thing as A PERFECT PARENT.  

WHO IS DISABLED? 

Often I ask myself who really is a disabled person. Is it the person who is physically challenged and is obviously not able to use some parts of his/her body? Or the other person who has all body parts complete and functional yet is NOT ABLE to live his/her dream because of some "challenges"?

Let me quickly define the the word "DISABILITY"............................ According to the Oxford Dictionary, DISABILITY is a physical or mental condition that limits a person's movements, senses or activities. It is further defined as a condition which may restrict a person's mental, sensory, or mobility functions to undertake or perform a task in the same way of a person who does not have a disability.

Unfortunately so many people associate disability with someone who is in a wheelchair, blind, deaf etc. We then assume these people are different and thus need to be treated differently; most times we do not even bother to imagine that they exist............................. Do you ever imagine a deaf man in the hospital? He may spend the whole day there without being attended to simply because he couldn't hear his name when it was called. How many sign language interpreters do we have in social places? How disability friendly are we  as we are building our houses, offices etc.

The physically challenged come in different shapes, sizes, colors, sex, and cultures.....................JUST AS WE ALL DO. They breath the same air we do, the have blood running through their veins just as we do, they eat, drink, dance, laugh, cry, reproduce etc and so I refuse to call them DISABLED rather I consider the following people DISABLED;

1. Highly ineffective people who do not plan and who also lack focus and direction.

2. People who are unwilling to reach out of their comfort zones

3. People who sit back to ask who moved "their cheese" rather than pursue "their cheese"

4. People who are generally very lazy

5. People who are yet to discover their purpose on earth

I will leave us with these 5 points to ponder on for now until next time when I will speak more on them. But before then, I want us all to evaluate ourselves and find out if we possess any of these characters as I would tag them, "CHARACTERS OF HIGHLY INEFFECTIVE PEOPLE" and trust me, these are truly the people I consider "DISABLED"

I implore us all to watch out for that physically challenges neighbor, friend, sister, relative, colleague etc. we are all equal in the sight of our creator................................. 

Welcome to Dorothy Essien blog

Dorothy Essien

Welcome to my blog, it intends to be very exciting and inspiring. My focus is on the physically challenged and domestically abused victims (children, women and men).

Against all odds, it is indeed a beautiful world..............Trust me!